We are all in a myriad of relationships. Some we love, others we must be in as in a job or a family. It is very important in all relationships to understand our boundaries and what we want to participate in. We all have patterns of how we relate, what is comfortable in default mode and then how we want to relate. It is work. It is individual and it is team building. Our basic self gravitates and wants patterns and familiar things. It is why often when we truly look at the plethora of all relationships we are in, there will be many common cords on our role, our reactions, our ways of being with others.
This all said, knowing we are in similar ways with others and often have no boundaries, creating with the same type of folks, lets find positive direction to shift them toward our benefit. In Tantra, there is the blend of opposites that runs our world. You have the control freak on one end and the flexing martyr on the other end. It doesn't have to be man and woman but it is considered the feminine and masculine traits displayed typically by them. All our relationships lie somewhere in the middle. There is usually a more ordered, directed, systems person and then a more flexible, nourishing spirit with them. They work together on all levels. We just have to like the role we are playing and have it work for us.
I am a more flexible, fluid, creative being so I find myself with more ordered, logical, detailed folks. It is a beautiful tantra blend for again, it is the opposites that mix well in relationship. Two exactly alike will either butt heads intensely to fight for control or be so flexible and nourishing that no direction moves quick. What is important for me in this blend, is that I am not too flexible that I am unhappy with a plan and my needs aren't met. One in the opposite of me, has to watch that they are not too overbearing and controlling everything, trying to do everything. It is an art. It takes awareness. It takes speaking your voice and adjusting positions with each individual.
It is so important to know ourselves. Where is our mix on this tantra? Are we too much one way and need to balance our own mix. This leads to good relationships. Then we have more flexibility in going both ways. We all need a part that directs and takes control in life and a half that is flexible to go with life's ways. Being extreme is a good way to stay in the same types of relationships and patterns in them. This leads to unhappiness, the victim and the perpetrator so to speak. We are in charge of our roles, we are truly neither of them, we are playing them, we have learned then from childhood in response to our world.
I find often I have to balance my way by being more assertive rather than going along for peace. I have to choose what I want to participate in. If it is too drama or intense. I do get to step away and not engage. I may want peace but not at the price of drama, tears, confusion and words said. It is often best to walk away in a relationship if things are in drama or negativity. If you can't chat as adults and are you acting like kids in a tantrum too long, much hurt and words can damage a relationship.
Knowing yourself, your weakness or your default is paramount to good relationships. No one is doing anything to you. You can walk away, say stop and not participate if you don't like the direction. Easier said than done and it takes work, awareness and self development to work well with others. To have relationships that inspire and nourish you deeply, there will be work, review, reflection and true communication. You learn as you go. If the same things keep happening, try something different to break your cycle and feel power. It pays to observe, learn to read others and blend for harmony but not at a cost to yourself.
This is a huge art and a life long learning. I have always been taught to pay attention, blend and work yourself well. Then you will only attract those that do the same. Keeping yourself aware of your inner child games you unconsciously play with others is key. Mature them. Speak up for your needs, don't manipulate, Grow yourself and take responsibility for yourself and what you bring to relationship.
It can be a magic dance or a terrible sword fight! We get to choose and play again and again. Pay attention, learn and keep humor by your side for it is amazing to watch our little selves play relationship. It can be beautiful or a nightmare! We can chose and direct it every time!
Beauty and Grace through Pleasure and Play
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Lyn Hicks, Health and Beauty Coach, Published Author, Educator and Event Coordinator
at The Room At Meadowbrook in Ottsville, PA
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